4 thoughts on “QUESTIONS ABOUT CONFLICT? IDEAS HERE!”
Terry
Hello-
My partner and I have a very difficult time discussing finances. Our entire 10+ year relationship I have been the financial responsible person. Always taking care of all household monthly bills, primarily because he wasn’t stable in employment. Over the years he’s grown and made major strides with his work ethic. The problem he makes a modest living but doesn’t feel it necessary to make any consistent contribution to our monthly household bills. I’ve tried in everyway I know of to get him to understand how this makes me feel. We have plans on marrying with no date set, he feels because I make more money at my jobs he shouldn’t have to provide anything financially. I feel taken for granted and taken advantage of. He recently went out and purchased an $18,000 vehicle without so much as discussing it with me. Then two weeks later when I was out of the country spent another $2000 on extras for this vehicle. And he tells me after he’s done these things because he wants to be honest with me he says. My problem he doesn’t seem to u.understand why I feel disrespected, hurt, angry etc… If he can afford these types of luxuries why can’t I get him to see he should be helping us financially. I can’t marry someone who can make such irrational purchases without even discussing it with their partner. I love this man but don’t know what do do.
Thank you,
Feeling disrespected
janetwrowlesPost author
Hi Terry, I can’t really give you advice on whether you should be marrying this man or not. It seems you are wanting to stay together but you are totally frustrated with his spending and your overall lack of communication about the topic. You really feel taken advantage of! Are you wondering about the best way to handle this conflict? It sounds like you both understand each other’s positions, but I wonder if you really understand each other’s deeper concerns or beliefs as well as have an understanding of your own self and boundaries. If you would like to give this difficult, emotional topic a try without a mediator, try listening to each other one at a time. That is, for example, give him the floor for as long as he would like it without making any defensive or contrary remarks or sounds or gestures. Try leaning forward and really listening. If you are patient enough, you might hear something new. Maybe he would also try doing this for you. You might notice small shifts that make you or him feel calmer or less upset. Great! This alone would be a fabulous start.
Danielle
My ex husband and I can not agree on anything! We have a 15yr old son and a 11yr old son, our 15yr old son stays with me now and refuses to go to his dad’s, I don’t know how to make him go and honestly don’t feel like he should have to go if he doesn’t want to. His dad think I should be punishing him if refuses to go. What should we do??
Janet RowlesPost author
Hi Danielle, It sounds like this is really a double issue: 1. Is your son better off seeing his dad or not seeing his dad, and 2. Should you try harder to enforce them seeing each other? Of course, it’s not up to me to decide for you what is right, but my first suggestion would be to have a listening session with each of them, separately perhaps. I would tell myself that I am just going to listen, make sure that they feel listened to, and do it until they feel that they are all-the-way done. This allows you to get clear on what is going on for them, and often it helps them also get clear on what is important to them and why. Once this happens, often people feel calmer and might be more responsive to the other. I hope this helps in some way, Danielle. Please feel free to get back to me. Janet
Are you in a prickly situation? Is this situation affecting your life? Your health? Your attention?
Hello-
My partner and I have a very difficult time discussing finances. Our entire 10+ year relationship I have been the financial responsible person. Always taking care of all household monthly bills, primarily because he wasn’t stable in employment. Over the years he’s grown and made major strides with his work ethic. The problem he makes a modest living but doesn’t feel it necessary to make any consistent contribution to our monthly household bills. I’ve tried in everyway I know of to get him to understand how this makes me feel. We have plans on marrying with no date set, he feels because I make more money at my jobs he shouldn’t have to provide anything financially. I feel taken for granted and taken advantage of. He recently went out and purchased an $18,000 vehicle without so much as discussing it with me. Then two weeks later when I was out of the country spent another $2000 on extras for this vehicle. And he tells me after he’s done these things because he wants to be honest with me he says. My problem he doesn’t seem to u.understand why I feel disrespected, hurt, angry etc… If he can afford these types of luxuries why can’t I get him to see he should be helping us financially. I can’t marry someone who can make such irrational purchases without even discussing it with their partner. I love this man but don’t know what do do.
Thank you,
Feeling disrespected
Hi Terry, I can’t really give you advice on whether you should be marrying this man or not. It seems you are wanting to stay together but you are totally frustrated with his spending and your overall lack of communication about the topic. You really feel taken advantage of! Are you wondering about the best way to handle this conflict? It sounds like you both understand each other’s positions, but I wonder if you really understand each other’s deeper concerns or beliefs as well as have an understanding of your own self and boundaries. If you would like to give this difficult, emotional topic a try without a mediator, try listening to each other one at a time. That is, for example, give him the floor for as long as he would like it without making any defensive or contrary remarks or sounds or gestures. Try leaning forward and really listening. If you are patient enough, you might hear something new. Maybe he would also try doing this for you. You might notice small shifts that make you or him feel calmer or less upset. Great! This alone would be a fabulous start.
My ex husband and I can not agree on anything! We have a 15yr old son and a 11yr old son, our 15yr old son stays with me now and refuses to go to his dad’s, I don’t know how to make him go and honestly don’t feel like he should have to go if he doesn’t want to. His dad think I should be punishing him if refuses to go. What should we do??
Hi Danielle, It sounds like this is really a double issue: 1. Is your son better off seeing his dad or not seeing his dad, and 2. Should you try harder to enforce them seeing each other? Of course, it’s not up to me to decide for you what is right, but my first suggestion would be to have a listening session with each of them, separately perhaps. I would tell myself that I am just going to listen, make sure that they feel listened to, and do it until they feel that they are all-the-way done. This allows you to get clear on what is going on for them, and often it helps them also get clear on what is important to them and why. Once this happens, often people feel calmer and might be more responsive to the other. I hope this helps in some way, Danielle. Please feel free to get back to me. Janet